Seriously. I can’t figure this kid of mine out. Let’s just examine today, shall we?

  1. Picks out his outfit: orange short-sleeved shirt from last summer (so, too small), orange fleece-lined pants, blue snowman socks.
  2. When someone comes over for a visit/playdate, he DOES NOT PLAY. He refuses to speak to the adult, doesn’t interact with the kid, somersaults around on the furniture, throws toys, shouts out HUNGRY HUNGRY 18 times, and generally just acts like a turd.
  3. Wants to eat lunch at 11:00am.
  4. REFUSES to even attempt to use a quiet voice when I’m trying to get Sam to sleep.
  5. When he gets mad at me, he screams I DON’T HAVE ANY FEET! YOU NEED TO COME AND GET ME! COME TO ME!
  6. Refuses to wear Crocs with bare feet. Refuses to wear Crocs at all. Instead wears boots. {see below for today’s weather}
  7. Is talked into changing out of orange fleece pants and into a pair of shorts before nap. {Note: weather today is a picture-perfect sunny spring day, 75 degrees).
  8. Acts like shorts are super-weird. Tries to pull the legs of his shorts down to his ankles.
  9. Two minutes into fake-nap, changes out of shorts and into a pair of bright-blue-with-white-paw-print fleece Grandma pants.
  10. Three minutes into fake-nap, changes out of one blue snowman sock with a hole in the toe and into one navy blue sock. He’s now wearing one navy blue sock, one snowman sock, an orange shirt, and aforementioned blue/white fleece pants.
  11. When fake-nap is over, I suggest to Ryan that we walk down to the ice! cream! shop! for an ice cream!!! He responds with no, I don’t want to. Let’s just eat ice cream at home.
  12. [I emit an internal scream at this point because I just want to get the freak out of the house and go for a walk on this gorgeous day.]
  13. Tries to get all wet in the neighbor’s sprinkler, while wearing orange shirt, blue/white fleece pants, two different socks, and galoshes. Throws fit when I tell him to stop getting wet in sprinkler.
  14. Gets blue/white fleece pants super wet and muddy while watering the plants.
  15. Goes into house to change. Returns wearing orange shirt, tan jeans, and galoshes. Tan jeans are soaked from the hose within 23 seconds.
  16. More visitors. Again refuses to talk to them. Hits and plows into mom. Acts like he needs to take a ride on the short bus.
  17. Smooshes a corn muffin all over his plate, the table, his face, the chair, the floor.
  18. Throws epic tantrum about taking a bath.
  19. Throws another epic tantrum about brushing his teeth.
  20. Throws yet another round of epic tantrums about mom wearing a pony tail in her hair, not wanting to choose books for story time, and mom lying in the wrong area of his bed for story time.
  21. 7:21pm GOOD NIGHT.